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9/11 Mastermind confesses to World Trade Center bombing, killing Daniel Pearl, kidnapping Patty Hearst, fathering Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, clogging arteries
By Mark | March 16, 2007
(Satire) In a stunning report released by the Totally Constitutional And With Actually Pretty Luxurious Suites Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp, Al-Queda officer Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted today to a slew of offenses that have bedraggled the American people and the world.
“We’re ecstatic,” said Sgt. Mark D. Sade, “he came clean after only a few years of completely legitimate treatment. Honestly, I think he just wanted to get something off his chest, and by ’something’ I don’t mean my boot or like ten other naked prisoners or anything.”
The confession, which checked in at seventy-five pages, was published in English because, authorities said, “that’s what he wanted and is the only language we know how to write in good.” It revealed, in part, that Mr. Mohammed was personally involved in the British gunpowder plot, planned to introduce the metric system to the U.S., and actually shot J.R. Ewing. It also alleges involvement in other nefarious acts, such as faking the moon landing, the assasination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and the popularity of the band Franz Ferdinand.
Investigators are hoping that a few more months of luxurious living will encourage Mr. Mohammed to own up to other acts for which he is a person of interest, such as the theft of the Irish crown jewels, the Keely Hazell sex tape, and Windows Vista.
Want to know more?
Amnesty International, U.S. Chapter
The American Civil Liberties Union: National Security
Habeas Corpus articles on Technorati
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March 16th, 2007 at 2:57 pm
ha ha. this one really made me laugh for real.