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Iran-Contraceptive scandal grips Georgetown Law
By Mark | April 1, 2007
In what will surely go down as the most controversial decision at the Law Center since President Patrick Healy ordered the replacement of the Draconian Method with the Socratic Method in 1876, the Student Bar Association approved funding for an event featuring Iranian ambassador Zarif and voted down a measure that would allow members of Law Students for Choice to use a chair sometimes.
“We really feel that it is an excellent use of the Law Center’s funds, and central to our mission as an international institution, to allow the ambassador to speak without any cameras, notebooks, pens or students present,” said SBA delegate Kyle Delgado, 3L, “and we simultaneously felt that allowing the Law Students for Choice to sit down on occasion would be too much of an endorsement of such views.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Delgado continued, “I’m pro-choice myself, but not enough to, you know, actually risk my position as an SBA rep. This job is really important for my ego, and I don’t want to [irritate] that one guy who always writes in to complain about stuff.”
The Iranian Ambassador scandal and the “Chair for Choice” issue (as it is known) were seemingly unrelated until last week, when an observant passerby overheard the SBA appropriations committee discussing the two controversies in tandem. “We should just flip a coin: heads we fund the closed-media event with the Ambassador of a hostile state, tails we let the pro-choice people have a chair. I want to go home and watch American Idol,” one delegate is reported to have said.
The reliability of the source was immediately questioned by Law Center bloggers, who noted that no one except an SBA rep with no life would be in McDonough that late. “Come on,” said one blog, “you expect us to believe that anyone other than SBA or GG&SS would be here that late?”
Ben Rubinstein, who wrote the original article about the scandal for the Law Weekly, defended his decision to protect the anonymity of his source. “I would hope that the ideal of a free press would be held dear at Georgetown, however podunk and candy-ass that press may be,” said Rubinstein in a statement from his attorney, Jay Bilas. Rubinstein, who has spent the last two weeks in seclusion, has been made unavailable to the press until the investigation has been completed. Said Bilas, “Ben has been through a lot, and will neither be speaking to the media nor bathing until this is all out in the open.”
“That’s ridiculous,” observed Dean and SBA faculty advisor Heidi Cornwall, “we all know that Rubinstein is making this stuff up as he goes, just like his writing requirement. I think it’s high time the defeatists who had the SBA stop with their campaign of disinformation.”
Tampon machines removed, replaced with baby-changing stations, pickle and ice cream dispensers
In an attempt to further marginalize the ever-shrinking non-pregnant population of the Law Center, Facilities Management recently removed the feminine products machines from all restrooms on campus. The machines, which were a significant source of income for the notoriously-unattractive school, have been replaced by vending units geared toward the burgeoning pregnant and post-pregnant population.
“We decided that the next logical step after the day-care center would be to help new and expectant mothers attend class and study,” said Dean Aleinikoff, “these new installations are a great way to do that.”
“This is ridiculous,” said Jim Mitchell, 2L, “I want a food-dispensing machine in all the bathrooms on campus, and I don’t care how many people I have to annoy to make it so.”
Bellamy shot sends Georgetown faculty to Final Four
In an improbable, amazing and utterly unexpected turn of events, the Georgetown faculty rallied from a fourteen point deficit in the closing minutes of the East regional final to top the University of North Carolina 87-85, capped by a three-point shot by Dean Bellamy at the buzzer.
Bellamy, the former walk-on transfer from Cleveland State, lit up the Tar Heels all game with 29 points, 6 rebounds and 11 assists. He also notched 3 blocks, sold concessions and drew up the final play of the game, an inbound pass to himself.
“We knew he was good,” said Tar Heels coach Roy Williams, “we just hoped to let him play his game and force the other players to beat us.” That tactic almost worked, with only one other player scoring in the double digits for the Georgetown faculty, Mike Frisch. Frish, who scored 12 points off a tenured-faculty record 10 straight free throws made, also grabbed the rebound off a Tyler Hansbrough miss with 8.2 seconds which allowed Georgetown to set up the play which won the game.
The game almost got out of hand after a hard foul by David Vladeck on UNC freshman Brandan Wright under the basket. Wright had attempted to run along the baseline for a reverse layup but was met by Vladeck’s forearm and knocked out of bounds. The foul, which put the Tarheels into the bonus, was Vladeck’s fifth of the game and left the Hoya Lawyas with no inside presence.
Thankfully for the Hoyas, Bellamy was still in the game. He improved his NBA draft stock with his indomitable performance, which was his sixth straight game with over 20 points. Draft watchers say he is a definite top-10 draft pick, and would be a top-5 pick were it not for his off-court behavior. “NBA teams are wary of picking a player who is known to hang out with Critical Legal Studies scholars. Too many of them see what’s happening in Portland with Gary Peller and worry about their own reputation in the community.”
Despite the controversy around his behavior, Bellamy is known around the Hilltop as a model citizen. “You’ll sometimes see faculty acting like they own the law school, like they’re better than the people who pay regular tuition,” said Aaron Michaels, a Georgetown 2L, “but not Dean Bellamy. He puts his pants on one leg at a time. The pants have a wallet that is filled with cash and the business cards of sports agents, but the point is that the pants go on one leg at a time.”
Don’t forget to cheer on Bellamy and the other Hoya Lawyas as they take on Oregon in the semi-finals.
News in Brief
Former defenders of Alberto Gonzales apologize to Section 3 hippies
With the Attorney General found to be against habeus corpus, non-political appointments, and honesty, his former defenders at the Law Center attempted to call the protesting section 3 hippies to apologize. After trying four times to get through, it was determined that the hippies’ terrible phone service was provided by Working Assets, and so a text message was sent. “Dear hippies,” said the message, “we in the Federalist Society and the College Republicans would like to apologize. This time, you were right. Get a job.”
Mark Tushnet totally wrecks up his office before leaving for Harvard
Now that he has accepted a position at Harvard, Georgetown professor Mark Tushnet has stopped maintaining a minimum level of decorum in his office here at the Law Center. Students stopping for his office hours report that he has repainted the ceiling with glow-in-the-dark stars, punched several holes in the drywall, and stopped cleaning up spills in a prompt manner. “It was gross,” said 3L Katie Mendoza, “the were at least two feral cats running around, and he had written ‘So long, suckers,’ in ketchup on the walls.”
Mayor Fenty unilaterally declares D.C. statehood, martial law
In response to the D.C. circuit court’s decision to toss the District’s ban on handguns, Mayor Fenty yesterday unilaterally declared statehood and martial law with Washington city limits.
“It is high time that we in the District have a greater say in the democratic process. At the same time, it is high time to weaken the democratic process within the District itself. I see no contradiction here, personally, and no analogy to the way President Bush runs this country,” said Fenty yesterday afternoon in front of the Martin Luther King Library. “We will be living in a police state for the time being, which is wonderful because we have over a dozen different police forces with overlapping and contradictory mandates.”
Also in attendence were protestors and counter-protesters who misread the press release and thought the news conference was about marital rights.
Quick Hits
Death toll in Lexis-Westlaw clashes hit 400
EJF board member gets four hours of sleep
Former Justice O’Connor keeps hanging around for some reason
These articles originally appeared in the Georgetown Law Weekly on April 1, 2007. Mark Nabong should have left them there.
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