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Advice to you, from the worst 3L ever
By Mark | April 10, 2007
This column appeared in the Georgetown Law Weekly on April 10, 2007.
There are some people from whom you should not take advice. Anger management from Lou Pinella, world history from President Bush, theology from Rod Stewart, those are all bad choices. In that spirit, what follows are some words of wisdom from a guy who spent three years at Georgetown establishing enough of a reputation of mediocrity to ensure that the development office never calls looking for donations. “Who’s next on the list of alumni to ask for money?” “Mark Nabong.” “Oh, that’s not even worth the price of the phone call. Move on to Alison Nabopoli and see if she’ll kick in cash.” Whether or not you take this advice is entirely a function of how desperate/drunk/high you are when you read this article. Since our market research shows that 87% of the Law Weekly readership are people going to the bathroom, I’d say no one is really going to take any of this to heart.
1) Take classes on main campus. All of them, if possible. I know you’re 23 or whatever and you think you’re all grown up. I know you think that its good that you don’t have to deal with the little nineteen year olds on main campus. I know its a [expletive deleted] to get to main campus, as the campus shuttle comes as often as does Brigadoon, but it’s worth it. Why? Because business classes are great. Public policy classes are great. Any class that makes you more well rounded is great. Listen, when you tell people that you went to Georgetown Law, 80% of them will mention Georgetown the neighborhood. Rather than correcting everyone, get to know the neighborhood and its haunts. If you leave DC without trying a Chicken Madness from Wisemiller’s, you will have done yourself and the chicken a disservice.
2) Eat at local places around the Law Center. How many of you have eaten lunch at the Sunspot? 3rd and Eats? Almost no one, which is really too bad. The Sunspot was the place to eat around here before the Billy Goat and Starbucks opened up; their BLTs are amazing. You get like a pound of crispy pig on each sandwich. Third and Eats is staffed by formerly homeless or indigent folks, and it is one of the few affordable places for lunch left anywhere around here. Get out there and eat in places that don’t take GoCards.
3) No matter how ugly you are, you should work out. Most of the time, I am probably the least aesthetically pleasing person around. I shower irregularly, have the metabolism of a retirement-age sloth, and am shaped like a South Park character. Despite all that, I work out about three times a week. Why? Because type II diabetes runs in my family, and I need to exercise to undo the fourteen Chicken Madness sandwiches I buy from main campus every week. That’s just me, though; why should YOU work out? Three reasons: A) It keeps your energy up for those long nights catching up on The Sopranos on Tivo. You say you’d like to stay up and catch up on Lost, but you’re too tired? If you jog regularly, you’ll have the energy to not only watch TV but to also eat ice cream. B) This is the only time in your life you’ll actually have time to work out. Don’t fool yourself; being a lawyer is no less busy than being a law student. I know you tell yourself that at night, weeping into your pillow, but its not true. If you’re gonna develop good health habits, your years as a junior associate are not the ideal time. Start doing the things that you’d want your siblings to do for their health, and start doing them now. C) David Luban will beat you up if you don’t exercise. You think you’re scared of your property final? Try working out next to Professor David Luban. He can dead lift approximately 300 lbs. while, at the same time, screaming at you that he can do more curls in an hour than you can do all year. I saw him reduce a grown man to tears because the guy wouldn’t do as many bench presses as Luban wanted him too, and if you’ve never seen Dean Aleinikoff cry I can assure you that it is not a pretty sight. Or sound.
4) Get to know the staff here at Georgetown. I know its easy to not talk to people, even people in class with you. Take the time, though, to get to know the public safety officers, maintenance staff, office administrators, AV guys, and food service people. They can save your life when you inevitably screw up and, say, flush your iPod down the handicapped women’s toilet. Hypothetically. We’re all in a community together, and its a shame that the temporary members of that community (the students) don’t get to know the permanent ones more.
5) Buy the Crunchtime books in week two of the semester. I know you think you’re going to take notes. I know you think you’re going to go to class. I know you think you’re going to be a good student. You are not. You will freak out fifteen days before the final, just like you did last semester, and buy a Crunchtime book (also known as the “Oh [expletive deleted] I’m totally [expletive yet again deleted]” books).
6) Thank your favorite professors without asking them for a recommendation. You know you want to, and now you can do without seeming like a brown-noser. They deserve the credit, or at least the good ones do, and you should try and give it to them. It’s a lot easier to complain than to compliment, and if you can compliment without asking for anything in return all the better. Listen, Harvard and Yale spent a lot of time and energy training those professors, and its about time someone acknowledged that hard work.
7) Never, ever go back and look at your research and writing memo if you can avoid it. I’m talking to you, 1Ls. Trust me, if you want to maintain your ego and self-confidence, never look back at the work you did this year. It’s like revisiting your first relationship in high school; it’s awkward, painful, and makes you resent the way your parents raised you.
Good luck on finals, everyone.
Mark Nabong was forced to leave out two other bits of advice by the editor. He whined and cried like a baby when we did it; it was totally funny. His columns can be found at ChicagoTypewriter.net.
Topics: Humor, Law, Education, Georgetown | Trackback | Comments RSS
April 14th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
I read my 1L memo. I wish I had read your advice sooner.
I used the term “fish blood” in one of my headers. HEADERS.
April 15th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Lyco, you may think that’s bad, but it only makes me respect you more.