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One last bridge to burn and I’m out of matches
By Mark | April 24, 2007
This column originally appeared in the Georgetown Law Weekly on April 24, 2007. It was my last column for the paper as a student.
When writing a goodbye column, I’ve noticed that people tend to fall into one of several categories: 1) a heartfelt remembrance of the years past, both in the column and outside it; 2) a plea to action, effort, donations, or other altruistic crap; 3) a slapped together, poorly edited piece of crud due to a lack of effort and 3L-itis.
This column not only exists in the third category, it bought real estate and is building a house there.
The last three years have seen this column morph from a profanity-laden diatribe bemoaning the lack of tacos in DC into a misspelling-laden collection of self-pity and self-deprecation. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a law school education well used. I’ve been more diligent about this column than I have about actual law school assignments, and I’ve still turned every single column in late.
So, what has happened to me in the last few years in law school? I’ve pulled three all-nighters, eaten ninety-eight double cheeseburgers at the Billy Goat, and lost one iPod. I’ve gotten one C, three C+’s, nine B-’s, and once each of B, B+, A-, and A. The first person I met from the Law Center died. Four friends have had babies. Two divorces, five marriages have occurred. I’ve become a Mac person and, coincidentally, started attending mass regularly.
I’ve had two healthy romantic relationships with beautiful, brilliant women, one of which was non-fictional. I saw the old New Orleans one last time. I took a pair of classes outside of the law center, which I heartily recommend to each and every one of you. I lived through the worst presidential administration in my lifetime, twice. I participated in, and won, a hot dog eating contest.
I saw my parents get old.
In the last three years, my cholesterol level surpassed my body weight. I’ve learned a few words in Amharic, one of which is such a vile curse that any Ethiopian hearing it would immediately punch me. I’ve been punched no less than four times by three different Ethiopians. I’ve welcomed the second Pope in my lifetime.
I’ve watched the Georgetown basketball team go from the cellar to the Final Four. I’ve watched the Cubs stay in the basement. I’ve flown back to Chicago to watch the Bears in the Superbowl. I watched them lose, but I did it surrounded by family, including my uncle who is currently undergoing chemotherapy; I didn’t mind the loss that much at all.
Lest I be accused of narcissism, I should point out what others in the Class of 2007 did. Other people in the class got jobs. Jerks.
***
There is a feeling, among many of us, that law school was a bad idea. I have no idea if the last three years have been good for me or not. Am I happy, now, that I am here? Hell yes. Am I happy because of, or despite, law school? No clue. What I do know is that the only reason I am happy is because of the people I met here. I’ve met some of the kindest, most brilliant, funny, and giving people of my life here. I’ve also met some people who will, no doubt, become the kind of lawyers that everyone hates. What screws me up is that I know that the two groups overlap.
I should warn everyone reading this that knows me personally that I will have a hard time identifying all of you five years from now. I know the same thing will happen to you, so I don’t feel bad about it. I think I’ll be able to recognize many of you, to be sure, but I probably will be unsure if I know you from law school, college, or work. Just be patient with me and remind me about Georgetown. Alternatively, you could just fill in that spot on Facebook that tells everyone how you know me. Unfortunately, most of the people I know put joke responses in there (e.g. “Rachel met Mark in Uzbekistan, herding at-risk children and being a nuisance”), so I’m right back to where I started.
***
I guess I should offer a few last bits of advice to the 1Ls and 2Ls left behind here. Ok, here goes:
1) Live where the people who love you are. If this means moving near your family, great. If this means moving near your friends, that’s good too, and in a lot of cases even better. You’re going to weigh the career opportunities and money, I know, but give weight to where you’ll be happy from Friday night to Monday morning. All the best memories of your life will happen then, so plan accordingly.
2) Avoid overpriced DC food. This is somewhat redundant, as all DC food is overpriced unless its Salvadoran. Cook your own food if you can, and if you can’t, make friends with people who can. There is nothing more disheartening to me than eating a bland, small-portioned meal, then dropping $14.95 plus tip on it.
3) Act ethically, for Pete’s sake. Do not bribe anyone, nor accept any bribes. Don’t lie, even though its the easiest thing in the world to do. Try not to cheat on your S.O., or at the very least give them the head’s up when you’re going to do so. I never expected to have to write this, but Jack Abramoff graduated from here, and I want to cover my bases.
4) Do not use the bathrooms on the third floor of McDonough. They are tiny, and don’t have enough room in them for the typical girth of an American posterior, much less a law student with a rolly bag.
5) Be nice to the professors and students with whom you disagree politically, even if they draft the Patriot Act.
***
So, what will I miss about Georgetown?
A) I’ll miss the ability to hear people working out while studying. I don’t know, exactly, what the point of connecting the gym to the food service and study area was, but it’s pretty hilarious. If you’ve ever been frustrated from studying, hearing an angry grunt and then the loud crash of iron is really, really satisfying.
B) I’ll miss the multiple, conflicting messages from OPICS and OCS. I love the fact that the various career centers operate in isolation and, at times, rivalry.
C) I’ll miss the late Fr. Robert Drinan’s masses. I usually went to the morning mass, celebrated by Fr. Alexei Michalenko and Sr. Dorinda Young. I’ll miss those services, themselves, but I admit there was something about the occasional afternoon mass I would attend; it was over in 22 minutes, flat, of which seven minutes would be the homily. Fr. Drinan had more notes for the homily he would deliver at mass than he had in the actual class I took with him.
D) I’ll miss the Chicken Madness sandwiches at main campus. Seriously, guys; go to Wisemiller’s ASAP. It’s the greatest sandwich ever made. I’m not kidding. Go now.
E) I’ll miss foreign LL.M. students. Never before in my life had I gotten to meet so many people from so many different places, and I’ve been overseas. The foreign students are a great, great resource, and now I have places to crash at in no less than a dozen different countries. Zurich, here I come!
F) I’ll miss Kurt Vonnegut. I know this has nothing to do with the Law Center. Let me mourn.
G) I’ll miss waking up at ten o’clock in the morning. This is most likely the last time I’ll ever be in school, which means that, barring long stretches of disability, I’ll have to be somewhere every weekday at 9 A.M. for the rest of my life. Never again will I catch Oprah during the morning broadcast; never again will I hit snooze for three hours straight with no consequences whatsoever.
H) I’ll miss the high speed connection. I will miss the internet connection at the Law Center, which is perfect for downloading [insert legally downloadable example] during class. It’s also great for viewing [insert non-pornographic example] when you’re not in class.
I) I’ll miss you. Well, most of you, anyway.
This isn’t the most significant graduation of my life; that distinction would probably have to go to my college graduation. This one, however, I will have paid for, so I suppose that’s something. I have one last request, though, before we leave and scatter to the legal winds: while you still have the chance, take the time to give a rat’s ass.
Mark wanted the last word in the history of his column to be “ass.” He’ll continue writing at www.ChicagoTypewriter.net. This column can also be found at ThisIsBy.us.
Topics: Humor, Law, Education, Georgetown | Trackback | Comments RSS
April 24th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
I will miss you too Mark. Normally the sarcasm doesn’t flow well with my personality, but it has been a pleasure getting to know you.
P.S. If you don’t remember me in five years, I will kick your ass!
Godspeed!
April 25th, 2007 at 5:05 am
I don’t think anybody will forget you, Mark, and certainly not me. You were the first person I met in law school, and I hope that in some small way your humor and humanity set the tone for the next three years. Or maybe it makes my crappy property grade your fault. Who knows.
April 27th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Thanks guys; I’ll miss Georgetown a lot, however much I’m looking forward to being done with school. I’ll miss it primarily for the people therein.
June 20th, 2007 at 6:43 am
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