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Into the Maelstrom
By Mark | August 5, 2008
Last night Chicago was put under a tornado watch, in one of the more dramatic storm fronts of my lifetime. Around here, we don’t get very much in terms of natural disasters, so long as you don’t consider -20 degrees Fahrenheit and Mark Prior natural disasters.
We were fine in our apartment, as we live relatively close to Lake Michigan, north of where the worst of the storms hit. I wasn’t worried, for various reasons. 1) While there were funnel clouds along the Kennedy Expressway, we live near the city center. It is a myth that tornados do not hit large cities, but there is some evidence to suggest that the area near the skyscrapers are somewhat more protected that other areas. The late Professor Ted Fujita worked in this field. 2) We have insurance for our stuff, and any tornado that would take out our material possessions would result in an unexpected financial boon, and my karma is nowhere near big enough for that. 3) We live very close to Mayor Daley. If there is a neighborhood that doesn’t have to worry about the power and services, I’d wager dollars to doughnuts it’s Hizzoner’s.
The storm did get me thinking, though. What would happen if there WAS a catastrophe? What would I do? What would I need to have in order to survive if my home was destroyed, for example? What material goods would I want to save, what could I lose?
In preparation for these contingencies, I have begun preparing a “We’re All Screwed” bag, for easy access in the emergency. The problem is that the needed bag contents will vary depending on the magnitude that we are all screwed. I thought about this for a long time, and I’ve classified natural disasters and their effect on my life into three categories:
a) Only Slightly F***ed. The damage or disaster is local, only striking my home or my neighborhood. In this instance, my apartment would be wiped out, but I could stay with friends or family. My bank account would still be working, and I could get wifi access at a public place, say a coffee shop or a public library. Gasoline would still be available.
b) Get the Hell out of Dodge. The city is buggered, and we have to clear out, fast. Access to basic services would be problematic for several days, and my McDonald’s gift cards would be rendered temporarily useless. iPhone battery power would have to be saved for phone use only, and not for playing games or settling of bets using Wikipedia.
c) Mad Max. Everything is screwed. Clean water will be a problem, as will (I imagine) cannibalism. There will be no place to recharge electric razors. The iPhone will be usable only as a sling stone for hunting rabbits. Brother will turn against brother, daughter against mother, and the Cubs will win the World Series.
It then became necessary to make a list of objects that would be needed in the bag, classified by the above Screwed-levels.
Only Slightly F***ed:
Photo albums. Tooth brush and toothpaste. Soap. Towel. Change of underwear. Nail clipper. Swiss Army Knife. Back up hard drive. Phone charger. Laptop. Condoms.
Get the Hell Out of Dodge:
Power bars. First Aid Kit. Manually-cranked flashlight. Solar-powered cell phone charger. Leatherman. .38 caliber pistol and bullets. Condoms.
Mad Max:
Carving knife. Gas canister. Bible, Catechism, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Boy Scout Handbook, and copies of Koran, Talmud, and Bhagavad Gita (just in case). List of loved ones, arranged by order in which to eat them. Leather Jacket. Boots with blade concealed in them. Pornography. Sherpa.
I’m assembling the three bags tonight. If anyone out there has any other suggestions about what should go in the bag, please let me know.
This was simulposted at ThisIsBy.Us.
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August 6th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I love how you ditch the condoms in the Mad Max scenario. Makes perfect sense: 1) If the world really is coming to an end, you might as well REALLY enjoy it; and 2) If the world can be saved, it will be up to you to repopulate it.
Either way, those condoms are outtahere!
August 6th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
you should eat the leaner loved ones first. with food and supplies being scarce, they will probably lose most of their fat which makes them less tasty. With the chubbier ones (like me) it will take us weeks to burn off the flavor (fat).
you should always bring sunblock. the world might be over, but you don’t want to get skin cancer.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:46 am
I think you mixed up your “Only Slightly F***ed” list with your “Going to the Beach” list. And no yellow hat? =)
September 9th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Nyet. The Illuminati are gonna be the only ones who have any power; the rest of u.S. will be peons. Read our blog so you will not get so caught-up in the troubles of the world.