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The Man in the Yellow Hat
By Chicago Typewriter | April 6, 2010
I have an enormous head. When I say that, I don’t mean that metaphorically, like I’m conceited or self-centered; I mean I have a huge, freakish skull. It looks less and less disproportionate as I’ve aged and gained weight, but it’s still the largest head I’ve come across discounting 1) offensive linemen and 2) anything with hooves. This is not just my own personal hyperbole; I have the names and addresses of people who would be willing to testify in court that my noggin is the largest they’ve ever seen. Well, I don’t know for sure that they’d testify in court, and, actually, I’m kinda distracted trying to dream up a scenario in which head size would come into play.
“Your honor, the defendant could not have fit into that heating duct in order to steal the diamonds. From the neck down, yes, but not from the neck up. It was impossible that he committed that crime; let him go! Also, give him some money for his troubles. And a car.”
Where was I? Oh yeah, I have a giant head. I could never wear hats as a child, because the “one size fits all” term is just one in a long line of false marketing promises that have broken my heart (e.g. the Apple Newton, Star Wars I through III). In little league baseball, the batting helmets never fit me, so I would just balance them on my head like a poorly clipped yarmulke. In unrelated news, poorly clipped yarmulkes are terrible at protecting the head from fastballs. In more unrelated news, I lead the league in the “hit by pitch” (HBP) category for three years until my neurologist/dermatologist recommended I take up basketball.
As a consequence of lack of hats, I spent most of my high school years uncool. It is possible that the uncoolness may have had something to do with my membership in the Marching Band, the state championship in the Junior Engineering Technical Society, or the fact that my father purchased our deodorant in bulk from a grey-market discount store on Devon avenue (”Secret: strong enough for a man, pretty damn confusing for a teenage boy”). I always yearned for a hat with which A) to compensate for any unplanned absence of combs and hair gel, B) to turn backwards to symbolize my objection to authority, or C) to doff to symbolize my acceptance of authority or the presence of ladeez.
My chapeau-less state was fixed by an uncle who worked for Caterpillar. For those who are not aware, Caterpillar mesh trucker hats are humongous, designed to accommodate both the hat size found on your standard-issue trucker and for use in catching bluefin tuna. It was wonderful; I was able to wear a hat that fit me, that was unusual (bumping up my indie cred), and that was blue collar (bumping up a different sort of indie cred). He got me a new hat every year. Every year until college.
When I hit college, a confluence of factors consisting primarily of hipster culture, irony, and Ashton Kutcher made trucker hats trendy, in style, fashionable. Caterpillar responded to the increased demand by making their hats in human sizes, leaving me and my cetacean-headed brethren out in the cold. My uncle would pick up hats for me and they would cut off circulation to my brain with their tightness, and everyone knows that proper way to kill your brain cells is either with beer or by reading Heidegger. At the same time, a wonderful thing called “pornography” was invented at this time, and it was delivered to you through the medium of the internet. A side effect of the pornography-internet industry was the development of email, online bill payments, and electronic commerce; this new technology allowed specialized e-stores to flourish. Once such store was BigHeadCaps.com, which catered to the kind of gentlemen (and certain female comets) that need large hats. I select a baker’s dozen of the “large-dome, mesh, yellow” model, choosing yellow again to both maintain continuity with my old hats and to provide a bright color to alert potential predators of my unpleasant taste.
Thus, the hat I wear today.
***
Sadly, Big Head Caps no longer carries the yellow mesh cap. When I called to order my yearly refill of three hats, the woman on the other end said, “We don’t carry those anymore; if you want some you have to order a gross of them.”
Me: “What? Why?”
Her: “Well, only one guy ever bought ‘em, so it didn’t make sense for us to keep them in stock.”
Me: “That’s me! I was the one buying them!”
Her: “Oh, are you Mark?”
Have you ever been both flattered and enraged at the same time? Yeah, that’s what I felt.
Topics: Humor | Trackback | Comments RSS
April 7th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO. omg this was soooo funny. especially the convo with the hat company lady.
April 12th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Dear Chicago Typewriter:
I’m the big headed owner of Big Head Caps. We regret the decision to no longer carry the big size yellow hat but it was strictly a business decsion as Mr. Trump would say. Several customers have chastized me to put the big banana yellow back in play.
I think yellow is a fine color. We are not yellow haters. Yellow has it’s better attributes but as a hat or cap there are very few people who actually & voluntarily purchase yellow hats. Especially big ones.
You can’t hide in a yellow hat & most of the cranially endowed wish to balance their styling efforts with less promotion that they are endowed.
May I suggest you go to our website: www.Bigheadcaps.com and look for a neutral color such as khaki. Call our hat lady back & tell her you were formally the “yellow fellow” & you’d like to sample a new color. Big Head Caps will keep you covered.
Thanks!
Size 8.25
888-BIG-HEAD
April 14th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Don, no one recognizes me without the yellow hat; I need it to prove my identity, open bank accounts, qualify for boat loans, etc. To anyone else, I highly recommend them if you have a huge noggin. Especially if you beg them to stock the yellow hats again.
April 15th, 2010 at 4:21 am
No mas! No mas! You have whipped us into submission. Realizing image is everything, banks are a necessary evil & you require nautical relief…we will make some big size yellow hats for you & anyone else who worships the banana color. Estimate approximately 60 days before relief. As soon as we have word on arrival, we will post it on our website: www.Bigheadcaps.com
PS: You write a good blog. Thanks.
May 26th, 2010 at 11:53 am
Mark, your blog is as clever and funny as you are in person!
May 30th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
Mark, have you tried Lamood Big Hats? They have a yellow hat at Yellow Big Hats. Now you can be recognized again!
May 31st, 2010 at 7:21 am
Mark/Kevin: Give Lamood a call before you order. Since they do not list their address, we think they are located in French Guyana.
June 1st, 2010 at 9:15 am
Lamood is in Illinois, probably right near Chicago Typewriter. So you could have your yellow hat back on your “giant head” in no time…